Show me

I'm always a bit too much or not enough at all. I'm feeling way too deep way too fast or feeling nothing at all. I've always had problems to find the middle in everything. To be stable, cool and definitely lovable. The people who treath me like shit are the people I try my hardest to win to like me. The people who are nice and who would never hurt me I take for granted.

I fall for mean girls. Girls who don't give a shit. The real loves of my life have been cold and distant. Keeping me on my toes. Leaving without blinking an eye and never even looking back. Leaving me to think I probably deserved it all. 

I'm not a bad person but I've done bad things. I have broke hearts because I needed to see something else falling apart for a change. I needed to be the one to walk away without ever looking back. I needed to remain untouched. 

I'm scared I will never be just happy. When I'm in love I'm scared and when I'm loved I'm bored. 

I wish someone could show me the middle. 

Crashing bones

You walked out of the sea
Atlantis dripping down your skin as I watched
And I couldn't think of anything else

than your bones crashing mine

I kissed you with open eyes
You hold your hands on my bruised knees

As the sky turned black 

I wanted to drown in you

And I wanted to tell you 

Everything about the nights I lay awake 

with you on my mind 

All the words I've been swallowing down my throath in front of your eyes

I wanted to let you know 

About the shivers 

You send down my spine 

But I chose not to 

Because these words are mine 

And despite everything else fading away

I'd still have my words 

Pure, honest, mine

Can't promise tomorrow but I can give you Forever

It feels the same as your hand taking a hold of mine at Ha'penny's bridge at night. It feels like your words dropping between us when I'm swallowing my tears and you are doing your best to ignore that. It feels like 'I love you' said just to make the moment last, not necessarily with real meaning. It feels like four orgasms and the warm breeze of your breath on my neck. It feels like being surrounded by hundreds of people and seeing only your face. It feels like shaky hands when waiting for you to text back. It feels like dying. It feels like being born again.

It feels like forever. Forever full of your eyes, my eyes, bittersweet confessions, ice cream trucks. Forever full of airports, departure gates, last coffees.

Forever full of you, I am breathing in. Forever here and now.

Luna

The last night we fell asleep

My arms around your chest

Your lips pressed against mine 

I breathed in when you exhaled 

Dublin stopped being for a while

I stopped being 

I miss you so much it hurts 

And I wish you wouldn't been so god damn beautiful 

And sometimes I do regret the things I did

I do not believe in honesty anymore

I do not think I'm beautiful or worth knowning anymore

I gave you a lot more than I should have given 

And you were not worth it 

But I hope you are doing well

I hope she is as beautiful as you remembered 

I hope this time she will choose you 

I hope you are happy 

And even though it wasn't me you were thinking about when you closed your eyes at night

I hope you will remember me 

Interlude

well I'd love to say I didn't see it coming
that all that happend to us got me by surprise

but love 

I did see it coming

I saw the way you'd hold my hand inside the pocket of your jacket
how I'd hear you call me baby through my sleep
how the sun would look like a frosted replica of your eyes
(my god, those eyes) 

I saw it coming 

how I'd fall asleep every night
praying you would still want me in the morning
and how I would end up misunderstanding your words

end up mistaken those kisses 

for something 

much bigger 

and now
when you are not around anymore

my thoughts are heavier than they used to be

this bed feels colder than when we shared it

and these streets mean nothing to me

and I feel weak 

so weak 

for missing you

because I did see this coming 

But you know it's there

it's like

standing at the edge 

surrounded by silence

darkness is rising from the abyss

right under your feet

and you wobble

half feet over the edge

and you feel the end

hell, you can see it

and you hold on to your dear life 

trying to stay on the safe side

and the worst part is

you are standing on that edge 

everyday

staring at the darkness right in front of you

and oh how you try

you use all your power to keep your eyes closed

but you know it's there

that is 

what it's like 

to be afraid

My decay

smiled through
smoke surrounding you

I can be anything
you want me to

--

(I keep writing
you

everywhere I go

the words keep flowing and dropping

they keep filling me, love

and I will let them drown me

until there's no air left
to breathe)