Interlude

well I'd love to say I didn't see it coming
that all that happend to us got me by surprise

but love 

I did see it coming

I saw the way you'd hold my hand inside the pocket of your jacket
how I'd hear you call me baby through my sleep
how the sun would look like a frosted replica of your eyes
(my god, those eyes) 

I saw it coming 

how I'd fall asleep every night
praying you would still want me in the morning
and how I would end up misunderstanding your words

end up mistaken those kisses 

for something 

much bigger 

and now
when you are not around anymore

my thoughts are heavier than they used to be

this bed feels colder than when we shared it

and these streets mean nothing to me

and I feel weak 

so weak 

for missing you

because I did see this coming 

But you know it's there

it's like

standing at the edge 

surrounded by silence

darkness is rising from the abyss

right under your feet

and you wobble

half feet over the edge

and you feel the end

hell, you can see it

and you hold on to your dear life 

trying to stay on the safe side

and the worst part is

you are standing on that edge 

everyday

staring at the darkness right in front of you

and oh how you try

you use all your power to keep your eyes closed

but you know it's there

that is 

what it's like 

to be afraid

My decay

smiled through
smoke surrounding you

I can be anything
you want me to

--

(I keep writing
you

everywhere I go

the words keep flowing and dropping

they keep filling me, love

and I will let them drown me

until there's no air left
to breathe)

This is not a poem. It's her.

I still remember the first time I saw her
it was like someone would have dropped acid on my soul
I literally just sat there with my mouth half open
looking at her across the room

I watched her move
she was that kind of mixture
of mean looks and unbearable cuteness
that made hearts stop for a nanosecond

Which by the way felt like forever for me

And I was thinking I'd never get to talk to her
for she being so cool when I just simply wasn't
And my food was getting cold already when she stood up
she lifted her stuff and gave one glance
not for me but for someone who really even wasn't there
She was cool and she knew it

I held my breath as she walked away
Knowing as sure as hell

It was love

But we are not in love

so I went out last night
found myself wandering through the waves of queers
there was a drag show going on
I stared and stared at those glitter gods
realized I wasn't living my life
to it's fullest
glitter hurt my eyes

so I was fucked up by
this girl I loved
got a call to meet her and the lads
down at the Sweeney's
I went, of course
we were dancing to reggae
dancing like hell
a guy read from my shoulder
Meet me in Montauk
she avoided my gaze
 
I was about to leave
figured it would be better
to end that pathetic night with dignity
while I still could

well I was about to
when she took me by the hand
dragged me to the loo
she locked the door
lit a joint
sat on my lap
fumes of marijuana drew a halo around her
I stared at her and felt my whole body melting
that glorious beauty blinded my vision
told her I wanted it all
she bit my lip
my body is yours
outside the queue was getting longer

I took her home
fucked her with closed eyes

she was mine
or at least
her body was

Feel me now

you're only

gonna 

break 

my heart

Anteeksi

siinä hän seisoi miesten kengissään
seisoi hievahtamatta
savi kovettuneena kerroksiksi mustaan nahkaan

en tiennyt mitä sanoa joten pysyin hiljaa
me juurtuisimme tähän
muistan

tuuli kovempaa kuin viime syksynä
kovempaa kuin koskaan ennen

muistan taivaan
tummaa graniittia
mietin ruusuja
miten nekin lopulta
vain kuihtuvat

me juurruimme ja
nauhana silmieni edessä vaihtuivat kuvat
ajasta ennen sortumia