because it feels good to say it

i don't know if you ever realized
but i loved your cold fingertips on my skin
i loved the face you made when you lost your nerves with me
i loved when you got excited or angry enough you changed the language you spoke
i loved the way you held my hand on our nightly walks back home
i loved how you always fell asleep before me and if i moved even a bit you held me a little tighter
and how during the nights you let me go but when the sun came up you held me close again

i loved your honesty and the look in your eyes when you told me things you knew were going to hurt
i loved your rhythm and the way you clapped your hands to your favorite song even if you were driving
i loved your passion and your voice when you whispered in my ear to fuck you a little harder
i loved your stupid jokes and the way you made your face look to make me laugh

but i loved you even when there was nothing to love
i loved you the times you teared me apart
i kept on
loving

loving 'till i was no more

00500

juhlat
ihmisiä lattioilla
pöytien päällä
sängyllä
ihmisiä enemmän kuin ehdin kirkkain silmin havaita
ylpeitä naisia toisiinsa kietoutuneina
tummaa huulipunaa
minunkin ylläni
ilmassa kaikuu
itsevarma röyhkeä elämä

minä istun tämän kaiken keskellä
istun hiljaa kuin aave ja
koitan sopeutua
silmät auki pakottaen yritän nähdä itseni
näissä ihmisissä
ja niin kuitenkin
huoneen toisessa päässä
tavoitan katseeni peilistä

tuntuu kuin olisin yksin aina
silloinkin kun ei ole tilaa liikkua
tai hengittää
iho vasten vieraita ihoja
tuttuja ihoja
rakkaita ihoja
minussa on pakko olla jokin
vikana

tosin
tietyllä tapaa rakastan
kertoa itselleni kuinka selvitä kaikesta
samalla kun itken etten todella koskaan ikinä
tulisi selviämään
kuinka kuiskin itselleni kotikadulla
että vielä vähän
enää vähän

mutta täällä on tyhjää
niin hirvittävän
tyhjää
etten edes minä minuuteni kanssa
mahdu sitä kaikkea tilaa täyttämään

ja tälläisina hetkinä
juhlissa
kuten näissä
tummahuulisten naisten seassa
minä toivon että osaisin
vain upota

October

it's getting colder
the air i exhale comes out in fumes
and i wonder if you've ever felt this cold in your life
i'm pretty sure you could never live here
this grayness would suck the life out of you
i'm telling you love
these skies would only bring you down

i light up a cigarette
i promised you i'd stop and one day i will
it's not today
i've felt like this forever but the words do not let me
catch them
it has everything to do with you and at the same time
you mean nothing here
Helsinki has its own mind
and it's forgetting where it used to be
and laugh
and love

and somehow i feel so at peace in this madness
i can close my eyes in the middle of sea of fallen alcoholics
i can breathe in and out and still exist
and that's a lot more than what i used to feel
when i was in love
with you

but somedays i still wonder
if i'll ever see you again
if i'll ever feel like home the way i did
with you
or if i'll stay lost
forever
under my gray skies
in the city of
blessed
forgetful minds

Se mitä on ollut

hän
pienempi kuin sello selässään
seisoo vieressäni pellon laidalla
suu ohuena viivana
kapea hiljaisuus
pilvistä ja selittämätön harmaus
menneiden kuukausien paino jää ilmaan
raskaana
minä peityn
häneen
toivoen että
kuolema halaisi pehmeämmin

vuosia sen jälkeen
olen päättänyt saada
häikäilemättömästi flirttailen kyynerpäät ruvella silmät aavistuksen liian avoina
minä puhun enemmän kuin yleensä ja hän ei ymmärrä
kuin ainoastaan sanat jotka lausun hitaasti ja toistaen
qué coincidencia hän sanoo ja minä todella yhdyn
mikä yhteensattuma
hän ja minä
yhdessä sattuisimme
niin helvetin kovaa

puoli vuotta eteenpäin
päivän piti olla suuri
minun piti kertoa jotain tärkeää
hänen oli tarkoitus hymyillä ja sanoa samoin
meidän oli tarkoitus
maata hetki toisissamme
ja jälkeenpäin kerätä
sileäpintaisia kiviä
meren äärellä

todellisuudessa
päivä on pieni ja sateinen
hän kävelee minua vastaan
säteilevänä ruman sateenvarjonsa alla
minä ripset liimautuneina yhteen en tunne itsessäni enää
yhtäkään kuivaa
kohtaa
sukkahousut märkinä suomuina ihollani
minä seuraan häntä sisään

päivä on pieni ja hän tunnustaa
ettei rakasta
minä silmät kovana valehtelen
ettenkö muka olisi juuri tullut kertomaan
päinvastaista
hän ärsyttävään tapaansa alentaa ääntänsä
puhuu kuin koiransa menettäneelle 12-vuotiaalle
kahvi maistuu kuolemalta
muistelen harmaata päivää pellolla
ja toivon hengittäväni vielä huomennakin
kahvilan tuoliin
jäävät sateiset ääriviivani

vuosi myöhemmin
herään yöhön
käteni pieniluisen naisen ympärillä
huuleni liimautuneina hänen hiuksiinsa
soittolista on jäänyt elämään
huoneessa kaikuu menneiden vuosien
lukemattomien murheellisten uskottu
kehtolaulu
toistan sanoja pimeässä
hän ei herää ja tiedän
ettei minua tuntisi tässä tilassa yksikään
itseni mukaanlukien

kaksi viikkoa myöhemmin
lennän menneen rakkauteni luokse
minä kerron hänelle kaikuvista huoneista
helsingistä ja jatkuvista taisteluista
illalla hän suutelee minua pitkään valuvan veden alla
tavalla
johon muut eivät ole pystyneet

kolme päivää myöhemmin
tuijotan itseäni lentokentän vessan kellertävässä valossa
on oltava muutakin kuin nämä
toivottomat
kuljetan sormenpäitäni pitkin
äkisti vanhenneita kasvojani
rakasta
rakasta
rakasta

Kuolio

Ja sinä hetkenä hän ymmärsi 

Kaikki niin arvokas ja tärkeä 

Ainutlaatuinen 

Katoaisi pölyksi lipastojen päälle 

Hän maatuisi kuten kaikki muukin

Tulisi aika 

Jossa häntä ei tuntisi kukaan 

Jossa kukaan ei tunnustelisi karhein peukaloin 

Hänen avonaisia huuliaan viileissä huoneissa

Tulisi aika jossa ei olisi tilaa hänen

Kiireettömille aamuilleen 

Muotilehtien horoskoopien ja pehmenneiden avokadojen suomille hymyille 

Tulisi lopullinen loputon 

Ja hän ymmärsi viimein

Loputon 

Loput on 

Lopulta vain 

Loppuja 

Burn with me

We lie on the beach 

Just the two of us

She holds my hand gently and I drown myself into the sound of the waves 

She says we are bittersweet and I know exactly what she means

She is the sun guiding me through the darkest nights 

For her I am the dark nights

What I seek can be found in her 

She is melting my ice-cold core

But my nights keep stealing her light

And I know I should let her go 

So she could shine like she was meant to

I listen to the waves

I know I will miss her when it's all said and done

But right now I'm still holding her hand

And she is so beautiful

She keeps looking straight at me

Love, I am nothing but heat 

Burn with me 

So maybe I could get some sleep tonight

The biggest challenge is to behave

Through-out the day I use a massive amount of willpower to control my need to write down everything and send it to you on the chat I've learnt to hate 

And by everything I really mean everything

And by that I mean it won't be pretty 

Even though the ugly truth has never been a problem to you 

I feel like I have been running enough 

I have made this mistake before and I'm planning not to repeat it 

She took everything what was left of my self-respect and when I really start to think about it 

That might have been the reason for fucking this up 

For fucking everything up

Well I've got to hand it to myself

I have made some progress 

'Cause this time I know that you are not for me 

You are not bringing out the best of me

And you certainly are not making me feel special 

I know that and I have come in terms with that 

But you see

The real problem is that I 

Desperately

Need you to love me 

Even though we are not meant for that

 

Kind of ridiculous

You said his name was Gary

You said he was your drama teacher and when you talked about him your cheeks turned red like the roses at your neighbor's backyard

I didn't even know you liked drama and I freaking hated you and every bisexual gene of yours 

And I had never seen Gary but I was pretty sure he had a beard and that he would scratch his balls in front of you and be a total douchebag without self esteem 

You said he was great at oral sex and I thought about the option of killing myself with your shoelace 

I freaking hated you 

You stopped talking and glanced at me 

"Hope you are alright with all this and I am sorry"
I focused on my breathing which was pretty much the only thing I ever learned from yoga 

How the fuck could I ever be okay with this

You left me for a drama teacher with penis

Million images of us ran through my mind

You raped us

I woke up trying to catch my breath. It was a dream, Gary and your rosy cheeks were all just a dream. I was so angry I couldn't breathe, I grabbed my phone and wrote this down without hesitating once. I almost told you about it but you are always searching for signs and symbolism from dreams and I wanted to take no risks with you realizing you would be into drama and that you'd suddenly find your real and living Gary so I kept quiet. At the same point I also realized how childish I actually am trying to keep you all to myself and started to whisper the word 'stupid' repeatedly until my lips felt too heavy and I fell asleep. I saw no dreams after that.

Show me

I'm always a bit too much or not enough at all. I'm feeling way too deep way too fast or feeling nothing at all. I've always had problems to find the middle in everything. To be stable, cool and definitely lovable. The people who treath me like shit are the people I try my hardest to win to like me. The people who are nice and who would never hurt me I take for granted.

I fall for mean girls. Girls who don't give a shit. The real loves of my life have been cold and distant. Keeping me on my toes. Leaving without blinking an eye and never even looking back. Leaving me to think I probably deserved it all. 

I'm not a bad person but I've done bad things. I have broke hearts because I needed to see something else falling apart for a change. I needed to be the one to walk away without ever looking back. I needed to remain untouched. 

I'm scared I will never be just happy. When I'm in love I'm scared and when I'm loved I'm bored. 

I wish someone could show me the middle. 

Crashing bones

You walked out of the sea
Atlantis dripping down your skin as I watched
And I couldn't think of anything else

than your bones crashing mine

I kissed you with open eyes
You hold your hands on my bruised knees

As the sky turned black 

I wanted to drown in you

And I wanted to tell you 

Everything about the nights I lay awake 

with you on my mind 

All the words I've been swallowing down my throath in front of your eyes

I wanted to let you know 

About the shivers 

You send down my spine 

But I chose not to 

Because these words are mine 

And despite everything else fading away

I'd still have my words 

Pure, honest, mine

Can't promise tomorrow but I can give you Forever

It feels the same as your hand taking a hold of mine at Ha'penny's bridge at night. It feels like your words dropping between us when I'm swallowing my tears and you are doing your best to ignore that. It feels like 'I love you' said just to make the moment last, not necessarily with real meaning. It feels like four orgasms and the warm breeze of your breath on my neck. It feels like being surrounded by hundreds of people and seeing only your face. It feels like shaky hands when waiting for you to text back. It feels like dying. It feels like being born again.

It feels like forever. Forever full of your eyes, my eyes, bittersweet confessions, ice cream trucks. Forever full of airports, departure gates, last coffees.

Forever full of you, I am breathing in. Forever here and now.

Luna

The last night we fell asleep

My arms around your chest

Your lips pressed against mine 

I breathed in when you exhaled 

Dublin stopped being for a while

I stopped being 

I miss you so much it hurts 

And I wish you wouldn't been so god damn beautiful 

And sometimes I do regret the things I did

I do not believe in honesty anymore

I do not think I'm beautiful or worth knowning anymore

I gave you a lot more than I should have given 

And you were not worth it 

But I hope you are doing well

I hope she is as beautiful as you remembered 

I hope this time she will choose you 

I hope you are happy 

And even though it wasn't me you were thinking about when you closed your eyes at night

I hope you will remember me 

Interlude

well I'd love to say I didn't see it coming
that all that happend to us got me by surprise

but love 

I did see it coming

I saw the way you'd hold my hand inside the pocket of your jacket
how I'd hear you call me baby through my sleep
how the sun would look like a frosted replica of your eyes
(my god, those eyes) 

I saw it coming 

how I'd fall asleep every night
praying you would still want me in the morning
and how I would end up misunderstanding your words

end up mistaken those kisses 

for something 

much bigger 

and now
when you are not around anymore

my thoughts are heavier than they used to be

this bed feels colder than when we shared it

and these streets mean nothing to me

and I feel weak 

so weak 

for missing you

because I did see this coming 

But you know it's there

it's like

standing at the edge 

surrounded by silence

darkness is rising from the abyss

right under your feet

and you wobble

half feet over the edge

and you feel the end

hell, you can see it

and you hold on to your dear life 

trying to stay on the safe side

and the worst part is

you are standing on that edge 

everyday

staring at the darkness right in front of you

and oh how you try

you use all your power to keep your eyes closed

but you know it's there

that is 

what it's like 

to be afraid

My decay

smiled through
smoke surrounding you

I can be anything
you want me to

--

(I keep writing
you

everywhere I go

the words keep flowing and dropping

they keep filling me, love

and I will let them drown me

until there's no air left
to breathe)

This is not a poem. It's her.

I still remember the first time I saw her
it was like someone would have dropped acid on my soul
I literally just sat there with my mouth half open
looking at her across the room

I watched her move
she was that kind of mixture
of mean looks and unbearable cuteness
that made hearts stop for a nanosecond

Which by the way felt like forever for me

And I was thinking I'd never get to talk to her
for she being so cool when I just simply wasn't
And my food was getting cold already when she stood up
she lifted her stuff and gave one glance
not for me but for someone who really even wasn't there
She was cool and she knew it

I held my breath as she walked away
Knowing as sure as hell

It was love

But we are not in love

so I went out last night
found myself wandering through the waves of queers
there was a drag show going on
I stared and stared at those glitter gods
realized I wasn't living my life
to it's fullest
glitter hurt my eyes

so I was fucked up by
this girl I loved
got a call to meet her and the lads
down at the Sweeney's
I went, of course
we were dancing to reggae
dancing like hell
a guy read from my shoulder
Meet me in Montauk
she avoided my gaze
 
I was about to leave
figured it would be better
to end that pathetic night with dignity
while I still could

well I was about to
when she took me by the hand
dragged me to the loo
she locked the door
lit a joint
sat on my lap
fumes of marijuana drew a halo around her
I stared at her and felt my whole body melting
that glorious beauty blinded my vision
told her I wanted it all
she bit my lip
my body is yours
outside the queue was getting longer

I took her home
fucked her with closed eyes

she was mine
or at least
her body was

Feel me now

you're only

gonna 

break 

my heart

Anteeksi

siinä hän seisoi miesten kengissään
seisoi hievahtamatta
savi kovettuneena kerroksiksi mustaan nahkaan

en tiennyt mitä sanoa joten pysyin hiljaa
me juurtuisimme tähän
muistan

tuuli kovempaa kuin viime syksynä
kovempaa kuin koskaan ennen

muistan taivaan
tummaa graniittia
mietin ruusuja
miten nekin lopulta
vain kuihtuvat

me juurruimme ja
nauhana silmieni edessä vaihtuivat kuvat
ajasta ennen sortumia

Keltaista

sulla on kaunein sivuprofiili ikinä

silitän sun niskaa kun sä katsot ruokaohjelmia

toissa viikolla kysyit mitä mä haluan sinusta 

en osannut sanoa

meillä on eroa 10 senttiä

ja sä et vihaa mitään ja mä taas joskus kaikkea

mä itken elokuvissa ja autossa

sä et itke ollenkaan

me ollaan ok tiimi

me tehtiin jäätelöä 

tai sä teit 

ja mä lävistin sun korvan hakaneulalla

kerroit että sun mielestä kaikki alkaa a-duurista

istuit ikkunalaudalla ilman paitaa ja bongasit autoja

keltaista keltaista keltaista

olet mussa pitkälle yöhön ja 

mä en edes yritä puhua

kun sä riität 

ilman sanojakin